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西海岸的风 - 一花一天堂字体[ ] 颜色[ 绿 ]
分类:文学创作  创建于:2009-07-30 被查看:12626次 [收藏:日记|作者] [评论]
BestSong200 || DreamDance || Verses || Fav-short || 2008-12, || 08 Crisis || 08 Election || 新人新诗 || 新人报到 || 2009-1,  2 ||


西海岸的风



睡梦与黎明  

被一粒北风中的尘叫醒

而我  却是闻到了海风 那特有的咸味


青虫与我

被一个远行者的足音唤醒

而你  却是写下了重和深 那固有的真


你和黄昏

被一阵宿命的召唤引领

而我  却是明白了初衷 那绝世的情


月与月光

被一颗温热的灵魂感动

而它们  却是情愿帖着黑夜的冷清 触摸神的体温


西海岸的风呦

...
...


※ 来源: http://www.JiaoYou8.com ※
 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-31 21:22:38  [评论]
it is nice to have so much that is beyond expectations. good writing always leaves much room for reader to fill up. cheers and have a great day and the weekend to you and all.

 
pchenca
49岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-31 21:07:54  [评论]

茫茫人海里,妹妹美如玉,未经打磨时,黯然缺亮丽,

如肯负耐心,不断地琢磨,磨出闪光点,美眉增秀气,

灰姑变凤凰,贡献永不渝,凤凰风流时,莫忘郎心苦。

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-31 00:53:39  [评论]
glaze = polish or to make it shining.

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 23:03:02  [评论]
this is not doing in purpose. it is for sharing only of what i see and what i think. no flaterring, no glazing. it is natural and it is natural flow of what it touches me. thanks friends. life is beautiful. cheers and enjoy.
 
pchenca
49岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 22:16:17  [评论]

天堂花:每个人在这社会上有他扮演的角色和贡献,就让它随波逐流吧。

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 03:33:14  [评论]
unavail
36岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 03:20:59审核状态:待批
the essense of the verse is all about the image or imagination and expression.

睡梦与黎明                  // what are 睡梦与黎明? we don't know, but they are the things let your imagination to fly, to fly as far you could and to fly as high as you can. the realm of mind is no limitation and no boundary, just like the air, like the water, or like wind or like the cloud, free spirit, free entity, free domain, free self, unique self, ...

被一粒北风中的尘叫醒                         // 被叫醒, 一粒尘,  北风中的尘. how come? what does it mean. we don't know, but they are something make you feel good when to read this.

而我  却是闻到了海风                          // now it is me. simple, i smell the 海风

那特有的咸味                    // it is salty, 特有的咸味. what does this mean? am i happy, or am i not happy. if neither, then what it is? it is complexity of feeling and state of mind.

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 03:32:45  [评论]
pchenca
40岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-29 21:41:38 

U-Boy: I hope you do not mind I call you U-Boy because your name “unavail” is not easy to pronounce. Please summarize the main idea in one sentence less than 30 words. Or else I tend to get lost with the whole poem, from dusk to dawn, you and me, insect and dream…

If possible I like to hear as well from 楼主.

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 03:32:22  [评论]
unavail
36岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-29 11:00:35 
pchenca: long time no see, miss your guys a lot.

1. The originality of a poem may have taken many hours to compose while modification by someone else only takes a few minutes to complete because he or she builds on author’s many dead brain cells. Anyway,

correct. it takes more time: days or months or longer like a birth of a child sometimes. for modification, it is kind of editing, trimming, pruning, or instilling some minor additions sometimes. 

2. what is the center of gravity of this poem? Like to hear…

the beauty of this poem is the images and the expression of the feeling.

西海岸...的风  // nice title



睡梦...黎明  

被...一粒...北风中...的尘...叫醒

而我  却是闻到...了海风 那特有的....咸味


青虫...我

被...一个...远行者...的足音...唤醒

而你  却是写下...了重和深 那固有的...真


你...黄昏

被...一阵宿命...的召唤...引领

而我  却是明白...了初衷 那绝世的情


月...月光

被...一颗...温热的...灵魂...感动

而它们  却是情愿...帖着黑夜的冷清 触摸神的...体温

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 03:30:08  [评论]
pchenca
40岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-29 02:45:22 

The originality of a poem may have taken many hours to compose while modification by someone else only takes a few minutes to complete because he or she builds on author’s many dead brain cells. Anyway, what is the center of gravity of this poem? Like to hear…

 
unavail
45岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-30 03:29:48  [评论]
unavail
36岁,加州
评论于:2009-07-28 21:57:50 
- no worry. this is really nice writing i enjoy reading and re-write. what i care about for verse writing is the content ("yi jing" or the feelings and the special way to express it.) and simplicity of the wording including easy to read and to memorize. keep the good work. it only takes 5-10 minutes for the modification.

- 西海岸的风呦 is something making all of these and the more nice feelings.  it is not heavy, but it is really nice feelings.
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